“Could It Happen at My School?” How to Talk About School Violence Without Increasing Fear

PART 2 OF 4

Creating a Sense of Safety Without Making Promises You Can't Keep

It's a question no parent wants to hear.

"Could that happen at my school?"

For a moment, you may not know what to say.

Your instinct is probably immediate:

"No. Of course not. You're safe."

We want to remove the fear.

We want our children to walk into school thinking about friends, classes, sports, and what they're doing after school—not whether something terrible could happen.

But when children ask difficult questions about school violence, they aren't necessarily asking us to predict the future.

Often, they're really asking:

Am I safe right now?

Are the adults paying attention?

Would someone know what to do?

Can I tell you that I'm scared?

Those are questions we can answer.

Reassurance Doesn't Require a Guarantee

There is an important difference between reassuring a child and promising something we cannot know with certainty.

Instead of:

"Nothing like that will ever happen at your school."

You might say:

"Your school has adults and safety plans in place to protect you."

Or:

"Events like this are frightening to hear about. Your teachers and other adults have plans for emergencies, and their job is to help keep students safe."

The goal isn't to introduce more frightening details.

It's to move your child's attention away from an unpredictable threat and toward the people, routines, and systems surrounding them.

Talk About the Helpers

When children hear about violence, their attention naturally goes to the person who caused harm.

We can intentionally redirect some of that attention.

Who helped?

Teachers protected students.

School staff followed emergency procedures.

First responders arrived.

Counselors supported students and families.

Communities cared for one another.

This isn't about pretending something terrible didn't happen.

It's about reminding children that frightening situations also bring out people whose job—and instinct—is to help.

Explain Safety Measures at an Age-Appropriate Level

Concrete information can sometimes reduce anxiety because it replaces imagined scenarios with things a child understands.

You might remind them:

"Your school keeps outside doors locked."

"Visitors have to check in."

"Your teachers have ways to contact the office."

"Your school practices what to do during different emergencies."

Keep the explanation appropriate for your child's age and don't overwhelm them with security details they haven't asked for.

Answer the question they're actually asking.

Then stop and allow them to guide you.

Children often let us know when they've heard enough.

What Should You Say About Drills?

Lockdown and emergency drills can be unsettling, particularly for children who already struggle with anxiety.

It can help to explain their purpose by connecting them to something familiar.

"We practice fire drills even though we don't expect the school to catch on fire. We practice emergency drills because knowing what to do helps everyone respond if there is ever an emergency."

That distinction matters.

A drill doesn't mean adults believe something bad is about to happen.

It means adults believe preparation is important.

After a drill, you can check in without making the experience larger than it needs to be.

"How did it go?"

"What did you think about it?"

"Anything you want to talk about?"

Then follow your child's lead.

Ask What They Know Before Telling Them More

When a tragedy is receiving widespread attention, parents sometimes begin explaining before discovering what their child has actually heard.

Start with:

"What have you heard about what happened?"

Their answer may surprise you.

A young child may know almost nothing.

A middle schooler may have heard several inaccurate rumors.

A teenager may have already watched hours of videos and commentary online.

You can't respond effectively until you know which version of the story your child is carrying.

Correct misinformation calmly.

Keep explanations factual and brief.

Avoid unnecessary graphic details.

Most importantly, create room for questions.

Limit Repeated Exposure

There is a difference between being informed and being immersed.

After a tragedy, news coverage can become nearly continuous. The same footage, interviews, emergency scenes, and disturbing details may appear repeatedly.

For children, repeated exposure can make a distant event feel immediate and ongoing.

Turn off continuous news coverage in common areas when children are present.

For older children and teens, the conversation may need to include social media.

You might say:

"I know this is everywhere right now. If you're noticing that watching all of these videos is making you feel worse, it's okay to put your phone down for a while."

Taking a break isn't ignoring what happened.

It's protecting their emotional bandwidth.

Adults may need that break too.

Don't Rush to Fix Their Feelings

Suppose your child says:

"I'm scared to go to school tomorrow."

It is tempting to respond:

"Don't be scared. You're going to be fine."

But even though those words come from love, your child may hear:

I shouldn't feel this way.

Try something different.

"It makes sense that you're feeling scared after hearing about something frightening."

Then pause.

"You can talk to me about it."

Validation doesn't mean agreeing that your child is in immediate danger.

It means recognizing that the emotion they're experiencing is real.

Listen More Than You Talk

Parents sometimes feel pressure to deliver the perfect speech.

You don't need one.

Some of the most helpful conversations begin with simple questions:

"What worries you the most?"

"What have kids at school been saying?"

"How are you feeling about going tomorrow?"

"What would help you feel more comfortable?"

Then listen without immediately correcting, teaching, or solving.

When children know they can talk without being dismissed, they are more likely to return when something else is bothering them.

Let Your Calm Become Part of Their Safety

Children pay close attention to us.

They notice when we're repeatedly checking our phones.

They hear conversations we think they're ignoring.

They recognize tension in our voices.

You don't have to pretend you're unaffected.

It's okay to say:

"I feel sad when I hear about something like this too."

Then show them what healthy coping looks like:

"So I'm going to turn the news off for a while and spend some time with you."

That teaches something important.

Difficult emotions can be acknowledged without allowing them to take over everything.

The Conversation Doesn't Have to Happen All at Once

Your child may ask one question today and another three days from now.

That's okay.

Talking about frightening events isn't one big conversation.

It's an ongoing message:

You can bring difficult things to me.

I will listen.

I will tell you the truth in a way you can handle.

You don't have to figure this out alone.

And sometimes, that relationship is one of the strongest forms of safety we can give them.

Coming Next in Part 3

Once you've talked about the fear, what helps a child move forward?

In Part 3, we'll look at how everyday routines, connection, play, expression, action—and even joy—can help children regain a sense of normalcy and build genuine resilience.

Lewis Family Psychiatry provides compassionate telehealth psychiatric care for children, teens, and families.