When School No Longer Feels Completely Safe: Understanding Your Child’s Fear
PART 1 OF 4
Helping Parents Understand the Emotional Impact of School Violence
It’s the notification that makes your heart stop.
Another school.
Another community.
Another act of violence in a place where children are supposed to be learning, laughing with friends, worrying about homework, and deciding what they want for lunch.
As adults, these events can be incredibly difficult to process. For parents, they can bring an entirely different level of fear.
You may find yourself watching your child walk through the school doors and having thoughts you never imagined having.
Are they really safe in there?
And if we are struggling with those feelings as adults, imagine what it can feel like for a child.
Children today aren't only hearing about school violence when a major tragedy occurs. Many participate in lockdown or emergency drills. They may hear conversations between classmates. Older children encounter videos, rumors, commentary, and frightening headlines through social media.
For some children, school can begin to feel different.
Understanding what they may be carrying emotionally is the first step toward helping them feel safe again.
Children Don't Process Frightening Events Like Adults Do
Children understand danger differently depending on their age, development, temperament, experiences, and how much information they have been exposed to.
Two children can hear about the exact same event and respond completely differently.
One might immediately ask questions.
Another might say nothing at all.
One may become clingy.
Another may seem angry.
A teenager might make jokes about something that actually frightens them.
There isn't one "correct" response to frightening news.
What matters is learning to recognize how fear may be showing up in your child.
Young Children: When It's Hard to Separate "Somewhere" From "Here"
Preschool and early elementary-age children often don't fully understand distance, probability, or the repetitive nature of television and online news.
If they see the same footage repeatedly, they may believe the event is happening again and again.
And when adults say something happened "at a school," a young child may wonder whether their school could be next.
Fear at this age doesn't always sound like:
"I'm anxious about school violence."
Instead, you may notice:
Increased clinginess
Trouble falling asleep
Nightmares
Bedwetting or other regression
Frequent stomachaches
Crying before school
New fears about being separated from a parent
Repeated questions about safety
Their behavior may be communicating something they don't yet have the words to explain.
Elementary and Middle School: When the Questions Become More Specific
As children grow older, they begin to understand that frightening events are real.
Their questions may become much more concrete.
"Does our classroom door lock?"
"What happens if someone gets into the school?"
"Where would we go?"
"Would my teacher know what to do?"
These questions can be difficult for parents to hear, but asking them isn't necessarily a bad sign.
Questions are often a child's attempt to create predictability around something that feels unpredictable.
You may also notice changes that don't immediately seem connected to fear.
A child who normally enjoys school may suddenly resist going.
A student who usually sleeps well may begin asking to sleep near a parent.
Concentration may become more difficult.
Grades may change.
They may complain of headaches or stomachaches before school.
Instead of focusing only on the behavior, consider asking:
What might this behavior be trying to tell me?
Teenagers: Fear Doesn't Always Look Like Fear
Teenagers understand far more about school violence than younger children.
They see the headlines.
They hear political and social conversations.
They may watch videos adults never realize have appeared in their feeds.
They may also recognize that adults cannot promise them complete safety.
That awareness can produce fear, anger, frustration, helplessness, or even cynicism.
But teenagers don't always express those feelings openly.
Fear may look like:
Irritability
Anger
Dark humor
Withdrawal
Trouble sleeping
Constantly checking social media
Becoming unusually focused on school security
Avoiding school or certain activities
Emotional numbness
Wanting to become involved in advocacy or action
Sometimes a teenager saying, "Whatever. There's nothing anyone can do anyway," isn't indifference.
It may be helplessness.
Safety Drills Can Bring Up Complicated Emotions
Schools conduct emergency drills because preparation matters.
Knowing what to do during an emergency can provide structure during an unpredictable situation.
But drills can also bring up difficult emotions for some children.
A child may understand logically that it's practice while their body still reacts as though danger is present.
Their heart may race.
Their stomach may hurt.
They may feel shaky or unusually alert afterward.
This is one reason conversations after drills can be helpful.
Instead of immediately asking:
"Did the drill scare you?"
Try:
"What was the drill like today?"
"What did your teacher have everyone do?"
"How did you feel afterward?"
Then listen.
You don't have to immediately fix whatever they tell you.
Sometimes being heard is exactly what a child needs.
Pay Attention to What They're Seeing Online
For previous generations, parents could often control when children encountered disturbing news simply by turning off the television.
That is much harder today.
Children—especially teenagers—may encounter graphic videos, frightening rumors, misinformation, eyewitness accounts, and repeated footage through their phones.
Sometimes they see these things before parents even know an event has occurred.
Talk openly about what is appearing in their feeds.
Ask:
"Have you seen people talking about this online?"
"What have you heard?"
"Did you see anything that bothered you?"
This gives you an opportunity to correct misinformation and, more importantly, understand what your child is actually processing.
Your Child Doesn't Need You to Have Every Answer
One of the hardest parts of parenting is accepting that there are questions we cannot answer with absolute certainty.
Your child may ask:
"Could this happen at my school?"
And every protective instinct in you may want to say:
"No. Never."
But children don't need impossible promises.
They need something much more valuable.
They need an adult they trust enough to bring their fears to.
You can say:
"I understand why you're thinking about that."
"I'm glad you told me you're worried."
"There are adults working every day to keep your school safe."
"We can talk about this whenever you need to."
Those words don't pretend frightening things never happen.
They remind your child that they don't have to carry the fear alone.
Before You Try to Make the Fear Go Away, Understand It
Resilience doesn't begin by telling children not to be afraid.
It begins by helping them understand that fear is an emotion they can experience, talk about, and move through.
Your child's fear isn't something you have to immediately eliminate.
First, become curious about it.
Listen.
Watch for changes.
Pay attention to what they're seeing and hearing.
Make your home the place where difficult questions are allowed.
Because one of the most powerful sources of security a child can have isn't believing that nothing frightening will ever happen.
It's knowing:
Whatever I am feeling, I have someone I can bring it to.
Coming Next in Part 2
When your child asks, "Could it happen at my school?", what should you actually say?
In Part 2 of Helping Children Feel Safe in an Uncertain World, we'll talk about how to have honest conversations about school violence without unnecessarily increasing your child's fear—and why reassurance doesn't require making promises you can't keep.
Lewis Family Psychiatry provides compassionate telehealth psychiatric care for children, teens, and families. If anxiety or fear is beginning to interfere with your child's daily life, professional support may help.
